Because my love for you, would break my heart in two...

I took a Facebook break.

No.

I literally couldn't get on Facebook all week because every time I did, I turned into a ball of sobbing. This is slightly different than the balls of sobbing that have been happening for weeks, this is one that I knew I could control. I knew that if I avoided Facebook and Twitter and, well, the media at large, I could avoid seeing memorials, memories, words, songs... posts tagging me in interviews and photos and condolences. My phone was blowing up for almost a whole day as it was. I was already in a bad place. I was already kind of avoiding the world. The last thing that I needed was David Bowie to die.

I still have no idea what to do, how to process. I've thought about what to write a million times. I've thought about not writing this a million times. Because I can't even listen to his music. I made my husband cancel a movie watching night at our house because I literally can't take it. I keep getting invited places to sing songs or listen to records and the thought absolutely seizes me.

I can't listen to other people's experiences, to their sadness. It sounds so horrible and selfish to say it but it feels like no one in the world can understand what I'm going through and I don't want to share it. "Because my love for you, would break my heart in two..." Ugh... just writing those words HURTS SO BADLY. He was the signpost that I led life by. This was no secret. So at a time in my life that I have wanted to die, he dies. I'm not sure how to process this.

Add to this a few things for fun and torturous flavor.

After getting new insurance some months back, we're still sorting out new doctors and what's what, and one thing that has not been sorted out is a new therapist. I've spent weeks leaving messages, getting some calls back from people saying that they aren't taking new clients, they aren't taking our insurance anymore, but mostly, no one calls back. My husband called in a favor to the therapist we both used to see who he had a banked free session or two with and I at least got to see him and he told me I needed to get back on medication at least for the short term. He also hooked me up with one of the ladies in his office who can see me for a few more free sessions. Luckily my husband has referred him a lot of people... But now there's the: trying to get ahold of a Psychiatrist thing that's on my plate and is bumpy already. I've got some calls out, I'm on some lists. I'm waiting. I should probably make more calls to more people, expand the circle. But that's hard when you don't want to get out of bed. I managed to get into the gym the past two days which is seriously amazing.

I'm not working enough, so I'm not making enough to cover expenses. There's a whole bunch of long story filled with good luck that turns sour that I'm really tired of talking about. Especially since in an hour I get to tell the story all over again to that whole new therapist while I wait for someone that I can see regularly to tell this story all over again, again. Let's leave it at housing difficulties and job situations that feel like when you catch a water balloon tossed at you and then it just explodes for no reason. But you still caught it so you got the credit, but now you need another balloon to stay in the game but the guy running the game is busy and... I'm not sure if that makes any sense. Whatever, I'm leaving it. So all of that and I need to look for more work. Which is great when you don't want to get out of bed, let alone send resumes so that no one can call you back OR someone will and then you actually have to interview. Which is bad. I did show up to meet a guy about a potential gig. I realized as soon as I did that I was chronically underdressed and underprepared. Also my therapist told me that "customer service jobs were a REALLY bad idea for me right now" so maybe it was my way of subconsciously sabotaging the whole thing.

And at the part time job that I do have? I can't focus, I can't start new projects (something that I usually love) and I've got a pile of things that I need to figure out and I'm just staring at it. Everything feels like it's fuzzy in the middle and every time I turn my head to get a better look at the parts that I can see, those go fuzzy too.

I told myself for so long that when he died, I wouldn't cry. He wasn't going to live forever, he was getting old. "I'm a Blackstar, I'm a Blackstar"

So also, after several recent procedures and well over 10 years of asking doctors for help, I got diagnosed with Interstitial Cystitis. Which I still need spell check to type. Which is great news, I've got a direction to work in (even though I suspect that there's something else that needs further diagnosis in there as well) and I'm having way less issues in the past week or two but what it also means is I'm on an elimination diet for 30 days, then I get to slowly add food back in three days at a time to see what effects me. This diet SUCKS. It's boring as hell and honestly, the safest things for me to eat are mostly things that make you fat. I can eat a fair amount of veggies but I can't really have a salad because I can't have salad dressing. I can't have condiments. I can't have most spices, most fruits, no chocolate. I've spent so long trying to minimize pasta and dairy and here I am having to rely on it *especially* since I don't eat meat. And I don't even get most cheeses, anything aged is a no go or iffy at best. Technically bread might even be iffy because of yeast. And I'm on medication that I have to take three times a day on an empty stomach, which is a fun challenge. Learning how to eat a whole new way on a tight schedule. I mean don't get me wrong, I LOVE Fettuccine Alfredo and if you told me when I was 20 that that was one of the best things for my system and I'd be encouraged to eat it a lot I'd have been overjoyed. But the reality of that is threatening to undo the work I've done for the past two years taking some weight OFF and getting to a much healthier place. I keep telling myself that I'll sort out other options, more low fat ones but right now I'm trying to wrap my head around everything on a day to day. Plus no wine, beer, carbonated anything, no caffeine. Nothing. I saw a site that had substitutions for IC that said, Red Wine: Blueberry Juice, White Wine: Pear Juice. Oh yay.

So I'm basically, not drinking, not smoking, not eating anything that isn't bland. And depressed as fuck. I'm a bag of delightful joy right now.

So I decided to write this all here. Because I had to vent to someone and my husband has heard it a million times, mostly in choked off cries and I can only subject him to so much, you know? So instead I figured that I'd inflict myself with no real editing upon the internet.

You're Welcome.