It's been a while and things have been a lot better. They've also come with the frustration of progress. As I taste changes and gain new insights, it's not enough and it's too slow. I'm in therapy every week alone and also with my husband. I don't want to grow into my parent's marriage. Into decades of terrible habits and perceptions that aren't based in the real moment of even the person currently standing in front of you. It's good. It's helpful.
But all of this comes with relatively nothing changing. I'm still having to borrow on credit to get by, I'm still exhausted but now it's punctuated by the fact that I can't have coffee to get me through the day. Today I'm worried about driving home, I'm so sleepy. And I can't fight it when I'm like this. I've been this way since I was a teenager. I fell asleep in a fight with my dad once...
I'm managing the new and trying to repair the old with varied success. I behaved badly and feel guilty. I rose to an occasion like a champion and was proud. It's been a busy time, and yet nothing has changed.
I'm going to try and post here more often. Just because. It's a good idea.
